Of all the challenges you face during a divorce, telling your children can be exceptionally difficult. They have come to rely on a protected, stable family environment and will naturally fear disruption of their living arrangements. What’s more, they may question what happened to cause the breakup, and might even blame themselves. However, with careful thought and a commitment to their well-being, you can help your children through this transition in a way that lessens the strain and uncertainty. 

Here are some actions you can take to prepare your children for the changes ahead:

• Present a united front — Before you sit down with your children, you and your co-parent should be on the same page. If possible, have a prior conversation together and agree on a simple, clear explanation for the divorce that you can both stick to. Rehearse what you will say and anticipate their questions. Strive to avoid blame and anger. A united front will show your children that you are still a parenting team, even though you are no longer a couple. 

• Provide honesty and reassurance — When you talk to your children, tailor the information to their age and level of understanding. Younger children need less detail than teenagers. The most important messages to convey are that the divorce is not their fault and that your love for them is unwavering. Reassure them that both of you will always be their parents and will continue to be actively involved in their lives. 

• Focus on stability and routine — Children prefer predictability. In the midst of so much change, do your best to maintain as much normalcy as possible. Keep daily routines like mealtimes, bedtimes, and school schedules consistent. If you are moving, try to keep your children in the same school district if you can. Emphasize what will stay the same in their lives. Knowing that their core world is stable will provide a sense of security.

• Allow for a range of emotions — Your children will have varied feelings about the divorce, running from sadness, anger, confusion and even guilt. Let them know it's okay to feel whatever they are feeling. Instead of trying to "fix" their sadness, listen with empathy. You might say, "I understand why you feel that way. Can you tell me more about it?" This creates a safe space for them to express themselves without fear of judgment. While validating their emotions, work to counteract any sense of self-blame they may express.

• Take care of yourself — Divorce is stressful for everyone involved, and you cannot be an effective parent if you are not taking care of yourself. Seek support from friends and family and see a therapist if possible. The more stable and resilient you are, the better equipped you will be to help your children through this difficult time. Your children will take their cues from you, and modeling a healthy coping mechanism can help this along.

Complicated matters involving decisions that impact a child’s well-being should be made in consultation with an experienced child custody lawyer. 

Clark & Schloss Family Law, P.C. serves families in Scottsdale, North Phoenix and throughout Maricopa County. For advice about a child custody agreement or modification, call us at 602-789-3497 or contact us online and we’ll arrange a meeting.